All Systems Down
by Hisa-Me Kurai
Summary: A Sadistic Japanese Exchange Student. An Ed Obsessed Fangirl. A New Gateway Opened. And The brother's Elric exprience their own personal hell! A colab fic between HeartofDragon and Shinigami Goumon!
1. Jerry Springer HO!

(A/N: This is a colab fic between me and HeartofDragon! Her chara's Krystal Chesman and mine's Matsushita Sono! This is my first attempt at an FMA fic, but for HoD, it's a different story. She has a lot, but has yet to post any of them. Welp!Tell us whatcha think! READ ON!)

* * *

"Brother...are you sure we should do this?" 

An eighteen year old Edward Elric turned and shot an exasperated look at his twelve year old brother Alphonse, human again, memories restored, staring up at him with worried blue eyes.

"Yeah, Al. I'm sure." Ed grumbled, "Now for the last time, be **quiet!** I need to concentrate."

Alphonse twiddled his thumbs nervously as Edward continued the ritual.

Ed reached into his back pocket, removed a small knife and formed a blood circle.

It glowed with a frightening intensity before dissipating to reveal...

"...it...it's-" Al gaped, jaw dropping.

"...another gateway." Ed smirked.

_"No way."_ Al thought wildly, _"Is that even possible?"_

"Apparently its possible for there to be more than one, we know where the other one went but..." Ed trailed off.

"Brother, I'm scared! What if this gate is worse than the other one?" Al cried, "Maybe we should get rid of it before it-"

He wasn't able to finish the sentence before the gate slammed open with a tremendous bang, pulling the brothers ever closer to its entrance.

"**_Br-brother!_**" Al cried loudly as vicious pulling ripped him through the gate.

"**AL!**" Ed bellowed as he followed shortly after.

The violent torrential pulling was ceaseless as the brother's managed to get a hold of one another, as they expediently shot towards a blinding light.

* * *

"So **_THAT'S _**what we should have happen!" Matsushita Sono laughed as she typed on the computer. 

"**Uh-huh!**" Krystal Chesman grinned, "Then we'll Roy take Ed's shirt off with his teeth!"

"While Al is watching?" Sono asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"**_Ooooo!_** Yummy." Krystal snickered as the computer screen began to glow brightly.

"Huh? Hey Krispy? What's up with your computer?" Sono asked, narrowing her eyes and standing up slowly.

"Hnuh?" Krystal blinked as the room was washed with light and filled with high pitched masculine screams.

"What the hell!" was all Sono had time to say before narrowly dodging a falling, rather short bishie body plowed into the body next to her: Krystal.

Well…the girl always was the first one out when they played dodgeball.

Sono stared at the tangled pile of bodies on the floor, a wry expression on her face.

"Hey...if you're alive under there, say somthin'" Sono drawled nonchalantly.

"Uhhhhh owwy..." Krystal moaned from beneath the of body.

"I'll take that as a sign that you're still among the living." Sono said dismissively, stepping over the blue haired (dyed) teen.

"You gonna help get this sack o flesh off me?" Krystal asked, a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

"Why would I do that?" Sono asked, blinking down at the girl through glittering hazel green eyes, "I'm gonna make sure our yaoi's still saved."

"Ohhhh yeah, sure.You do the easy job... lazy…" Kyrstal muttered under her breath.

She tossed the dozing bishie off of her and next to another boy laying on the ground not too far away. There was something oddly familiar about the boys when she flipped them over for a good look at their faces and the feeling grew.

"**Man!** This little guys**_ heavy!_**" Kyrstal commented before his arm slid off his chest and landed on the wood floors with a loud clang. It certainly didn't seem right and she pulled up the sleeve of the small bishie's arm and froze in shock.

"Whuzzup?" Sono asked absently, back to work on the fic, "Ya see a wasp or sumthin'?"

"His arm..." Krsytal mumbled numbly.

"What about it?" Sono asked, an irritated edge in her voice.

"Its metal..." Kyrstal said in awe, "His arm...is metal..."

A huge grin replaced her shock as she exclaimed, screaming. "**ITS ED!**"

* * *

"Whuuuuuuuuuhtever." Sono drawled out, eyes glued to the computer screenas Krystal's face filled with disbelief. 

"But-but-but!" Krystal sputtered, "It's **ED!** **_THE_ ED!** **_MY_ ED!**"

**_-BMBMBM-_**

"**KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!**" A voice screamed through a wall.

"**_SHUT YOUR HOLE!_**" Sono yelled, lobbing a dictionary at the wall.

Now thoroughly irked, Sono turned around in her spinny chair to vent her ire on the source of all the noise as well as the growing migraine.

She grabbed the elder of the pair by the collar and out of Krystal's grip and began throttling him, shrieking:

"**_HEY_ YOU INSUFFERABLE _ASS!_ WAKE THE_ FUCK UP_ YOU _SHRIMP!_**"

_-ping-_

"**_WHO TH' HELL YOU CALLIN' SHORT?_**" The blonde male screamed back at her, "**I'M NOT _SHORT!_ JUST VERTICALLY _CHALLENGED!_**"

"**VERTICALLY MY LILLY WHITE _ASS_, _SHORTY MC DWARFMORE!_**" Sono bellowed, "**I'VE KNOWN _MIDGETS _TALLER THAN YOU, YOU MICROSCOPIC MINI-ME WANNABE!**"

"**I'M! NOT! _SHORT!_ **...**AND WHO THE _HELLS _MINI-ME?**"

"Uhhh, not good, she's gonna get us kicked out... again." Krystal said slapping her hand to her forhead as theyounger boy stirred next to her. "Okay, so the snake in the manager's office was me but..."

* * *

"Huh? Where am I..." Al murmured drowsily into the air as he turned to see a girl sitting next to him looking more and more worried. 

"Hm? Oh your awake now too?" Krystal asked, a wide grin on her face, "Well Sono's voice is loud enough to wake the dead so I'm not surprised."

"But where are we?" Al asked rubbing his eyes.

"Uhhh, I'm not sure you'll believe me **_juuuuust_** yet kiddo." Kyrstal said nervously, "But, I promise I'll tell you after we pry those two apart. Sono bites pretty hard."

At the time, Krsytal rubbed a spot on her arm where a faint, mouth-shaped scar could still be seen..

"**SONO GET _OFF _HIM!**" Kyrstal snarled, grabbing Sono around her middle.

Sono wrenched around and got in close to bite her, Krystal narrowed her eyes and growled. "Do it and your muffins will **_BURN!_**"

Sono's face twitched slightly as she reluctantly let go of the little bishie and started pouting

"You're no fun." Sono grumbled as she stalked to a corner and sat in the fetal position, sulking.

"Now, you were saying before Sono went ape?" Krystal asked, scratching her head, "Was it something about cake? I like cake. Cake is good. We should get some."

"Um, actually, we were talking about where we are exactly?" Al said tentatively.

A blank expression crossed Kyrstal's face followed quickly by one of recognition.

"**Oh!**" Kyrstal laughed sheepishly, "_**Right!**_ Sorry 'bout that! I do that sometimes."

"Doooori-plex." Sono muttered from the corner.

"Right, now, we were discussing where you are." Kyrstal said, "Well to be frank, in our world...you're fake."

* * *

Ed's face filled with rage. 

"Fake? **_FAKE?_** **WHADDYA _MEAN _FAKE?**" He screamed, "**WHAT TH' _HELLS _THAT SPOSDA MEAN?**"

"Brother, please calm down!" Al begged.

"**I'M STANDING _RIGHT HERE! _HOW CAN I BE FAKE?**" Ed shouted.

"Weeelllllll...you're not sposda be here." Krystal said slowly, holding up a DVD and pointing to the cover, "You're sposda be here."

"Whuzzat?" Ed asked, staring at the DVDblankly, not having the slightest clue what it was.

"Um...does it matter?" Krystal asked sheepishly, "All you need to know is, in our world, you're not real. And if anyone else in our world see's you, you'll die a death by fangirl suffocation!"

"...or government officials." Sono muttered, looking around shiftily.

"So we're really not real in your world?" Al asked.

"Nope." Sono replied, a wicked malevolent grin filling her face, "In fact, we're writing a ficcy about you riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight now."

"Ficcy?" Ed ask, perplexed as to what a "ficcy" was.

"It's a yaoi." Sono said in an impossibly creey voice,a malicious grin growing into something one might find on the Cheshire Cat.

"Whats a ... yaoi? "

"You'll see..." Krystal said in a mysterious way that sent a chill up their spines. It didn't take long for the two amazingly strong girls to lash them to chairs and make it impossible for their alchemy to work.

"I'm gonna get my doujinshi collection." Sonosaid, climbing to her feeet with a thoughtful look on her face, "Which one should we start with? The Ed/Roy, Ed/Roy/Al, the Ed/Roy/Armstrong/Al, the Ed/Armstrong /Maes/Roy/Al, orrr-"

"Knock it off and bring'm all! Yeesh!" Krystal cried.

"Okay then" Sono shrugged, giving a rather mockingsalute before sauntering out of the room.

"**And don't forget the DVD's!**" Krystal shouted after her.

"What's going on brother?" Al whimpered.

"I dunno, but I'm a liiiiittle scared..." Ed said nervously.

"You should be," Sono and Krystal said, eyes glittering with an eeeeeeeeeevil light, "Meh he he."

* * *

_--8 hours later--_

"Al...if you love me...kill me now..." Ed mumbled.

"That's stupid." Al muttered, "Who's gonna kill me if I do?"

"I know." Ed said numbly, "You give me a mortal wound...then I'll still have enough strength left to kill you."

"...that's a great plan, brother." Al said, grinning crazily.

**_-THWAP-_**

"Knock it off...wimps." Sono snorted unsympathetically as she chucked a doujinshi at their heads.

"Well was that fun or what boys?" Krystal chirped at the ill looking boys.

"I know I had fun... but I'm verysadistic so..." Sono trailed off.

"Uhhh we're trapped in a house with a sadist and a...I dunno...a masochist."Ed moaned.

"**HEY! I'M NO MASOCHIST!**" Krystal yelled, offended, "I may get off on pretty boys like you touching each other...but I'm no masochist!"

"…would you listen to yourself?" Ed asked, amazed.

"What?" Krystal shrugged.

"That's still pretty sick, lady..." Al mumbled

"Well too bad. You're stuck with us, so learn to deal." Sono said tactlessly.

"Yeah, and your just gonna hafta live with us yaoi fangirls, unless you wanna take your chances out there." Krystal said snidely.

"You know, with the rabid FMA fans selling your clothing and automail on e-Bay..." Sono smirked before her expression turned furtive, "...and the creepy government officials."

"..wee bit paranoid, isn't she?" Al asked Krystal who looked absently to the boy-turned-suit of armor-turned boy again.

"Hnuh? Sorry wasn't paying attention." Krystal said sheepishly.

"Never mind." Al sighed.

* * *

It took awhile for the boys to calm down enough to be totally untied without trying to kill either of the girls. Krystal calmed down a bit herself and took the mature route to help them, as much as she hated being mature. 

The boys wandered curiously through their home entering each room, including the bed rooms, they peeked around a bit and were sure they had put the rooms to their right owners.

The room on the right was well lit, some what neat, and colorful, decorated with various nick naks from around the world arranged neatly on shelves. A simple futon lay against the far wall, a desk with art supplies and paper was pushed against the left wall and a few stuffed animals littered the back corner. The curtains were open, allowing light to stream in, making the room that mush brighter and seem that much larger.

_"This has to be Krystal's room..."_ Al thought looking about. He moved to poke his head in the room on the left, which was actually quite different.

Swords and daggers hung on the walls along with paintings of dragons and phoenix's as well as a multitude of other mythic creatures that looked much like chimaeras. Dragon figurines lined the shelves, the curtains were mostly closed and the dresser was covered in books and pieces of paper in somewhat sloppy piles. The bed was ornate, and had big cat prints on it and currently, black pillow cases.

_"Kinda scary in here. This has gotta be Sono's room."_ Ed mumbled to his brother as he came up and looked in the room as well.

The were startled when they heard Krystal's voice behind them. "Whatddre you guys doin' pokin' aroundin my room?"

"Wait…this scary room is yours?" Al asked, startled.

"Yeeeeah and?" Krystal asked slowly.

"Well, I just thought it was Sono's." Ed said, looking slightly disturbed.

"Hm? Oh no. She has to have things where she can find them." Krystal said knowingly, "Real clean y'know? Japanese are like that I suppose. And a lot of it's her mom's influence."

"Her mom?" Al asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Uhuh!" Krystal grinned, "She spends most all her money on yaoi!"

The boys shuddered

"Yeah, good stuff, and I spend it on swords and stuff to further my collection of dragons." Krystal said fondly, "I make money on the side cause I paint and do other types of art work…aside from manga. That's Sono's thing."

The two stared at her blankly, still absorbing the difference in the way they acted to the way their rooms looked.

"Don't worry boys, I won't hack you in half. Unless…you piss me off, then I can't promise you nuthin'." Sono said softly behind them, making all three jump, trip and fall on their asses.

"Way ta be a major spaz." Sono snorted, a small smirk on her lips as they righted themselves.

"Man this day just keeps getting stranger..." Ed mumbled to his younger brother, who nodded in agreement.

"You think we're strange?" Krystal grinned, "Wait'll you see Jerry Springer!"

"Who?" Al queried, blinking up at the girls as a smile similar to the yaoi incident smile formed. Sono checked the time and hopped the couch to settle in.

"Hey, talk about your good timing." she smirked as the click sound of the tv flickering on was heard, "It started twenty seconds ago."

"Aww…then we missed the theme song!" Krystal pouted, dragging the Elric brothers over and plopping down next to Sono on the couch.

* * *

(A/N: Next time: Fun with family members and another FMA cast member drops in! R&R!) 


	2. Roy Meets Doujinshi

(A/N: Yes people. It took us over a year, but HeartofDragon and I got off our asses long enough to write the second chapter. I know. We're bad. But all that aside, read on people.)

* * *

"Good evening Riza." Fuehrer Roy Mustang (yes, he finally did it!) said genially, as he shuffled into the Central Headquarters with some paperwork.

"…Fuehrer, I wish you wouldn't address me so personally at work." Colonel Riza Hawkeye, soon to be Mrs. Roy Mustang, said coolly, as she put the stack of manila file folders into the bottom drawer of her desk and shut it with a snap.

"Aw, come on Riza!" Roy said childishly, slumping forward on her desk in the immature fashion of a teenager, "Don't be like that!"

"If you'll excuse me Fuehrer." Riza said calmly, saluting her superior, "I have to get home and get dinner started...unless you don't want to eat tonight."

She exited the office, Roy's eyes trailing after her as he thought, _"Oh…she's good."_

He sighed and looked up at the mountain of paperwork he still had to fill out that was just teetering on an avalanche filling with resentment at the gigantic stack as he did so.

"If I'dve known that THIS was what's involved with being Fuehrer, I would've dropped this dream a LONG time ago." Roy sighed dejectedly, his hand beginning to cramp with phantom pains from all the hours of paperwork that lay ahead.

"This is so unfair." He sighed, "I should offload this on the Elric brothers again. That'll make me fell better. Speaking of which…where are those guys? I haven't seen them all day."

He pushed himself away from the desk and, deciding inwardly that he was gonna drag his feet until he found a sacrificial lamb to dump all his red tape on, began walking aimlessly through the building, finally arriving at the basement.

"Why th' hell did I…come here of all places?" Roy though to himself, opening to door with a shrug, "…oh well. Better than paperwork."

A blinding red light clouded his vision, a violent pulling sensation and the next thing Roy knew, he was flying head first towards a wall, past three visibly startled people and one person who looked like she couldn't have cared less.

* * *

-WHUUD-D-D-D- 

Milling about the apartment still harassing the boys with the images the saw on "Jerry Springer" the girls were thoroughly amusing themselves.

"Ooooooo! Naked midget, NAKED MIDGET!!!" Krystal teased chasing the disgusted older brother around, who was attempting to avoid the picture she was trying to shove in his face.

The younger however stared bewildered at the T.V., now showing a Cialis commercial, trying to figure out how a woman that fat woman managed to squeeze herself into a size 4.

Then, out of the blue, a glowing red light was emitted from the computer and in a near blinding flash, a man in a blue coat flew through and rammed into the wall next to the T.V.

"…nice distance buddeh. That puts you three meters ahead of those two." Sono said dryly as she turned back to make sure the computer was still working, "Good thing he missed the T.V."

The other three were startled and damn near frozen in place for a few moments after the mystery man flew through. The silence was soon broken however...

"Pffffffffffft…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE RAN RIGHT INTO THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PWAHAHAHAHA!" Krystal laughed hysterically as the man came around and begun righting himself.

"Mustang?" Ed pried at the back of the man now rubbing his head in utter confusion.

"Elric?" he asked spinning slowly away from the wall, seeing first Al on the couch with a dumb confused innocent look on his face then settling on the older brother. "What's going on Elric? Where are we, and who are these girls?"

"Um we're still not sure about that, we just got here a few hours ago." Al mumbled in his direction, still VERY much in shock.

"Yeah I can tell you this though, these girls are PSYCHOS." Ed blurted numbly to him, then slowly looking between them.

"Awww…you say that like it's a bad thing." Sono teased.

Roy righted himself and faced the four, Sono now standing next to Krystal, who was still snickering at the major face plant of said fuhrer.

"Hehehe, you know your gonna fix that." Krystal stated pointing to the hole his head made in the wall.

* * *

"What? Wait! I suggest you tell me what the hell is going on right now! Where am I and who the hell are you!?" he demanded starting to get irritated with the girls, who by now were both laughing uncontrollably because they had finally noticed that the hole was in the shape of his face. 

"You, your in another world." Sono choked out through bits of laughter.

"Wait-what? Another world what do you mean?" Roy grilled them.

"Just look around you, _Roy boy_, do you see anything you recognize?" Sono snorted, rolling her eyes.

"What? How do you know who I am?" he asked out loud, looking around their apartment and landing on a picture of someone in a state uniform, on the front of a "doujinshi"…whatever that was. He went to pick it up only to have the boys stop him.

"NO! Mustang you don't wanna see what's in there!" Ed yelped at the surprised fuehrer.

"Yeah its horrible! Please! Just put it down now!" Al added.

"_What…has happened to these boys?" _Roy thought numbly still utterly confused.

Unfortunately for him, he chose to ignore the warning and flipped the book open. It appeared harmless enough…at first.

But soon it spun out into a horrifying display of male on male butt sex (involving a very dead, and very trusted friend) that sent Roy's mind dribbling out his ears, onto the floor and into the carpet fibers.

His face had turned the color of sour milk and the fan comic fell from his hands. Sono leaned down casually and calmly checked it for rips, creases or wrinkles while Krystal took a far more different approach.

"ECHO-Echo-echo…anbody hoooomme?" she called into the fuehrer's ear. Krystal's psychotic grin grew when Roy's face remained fixed in it's shocked expression.

"Looks like it's alright." Sono said absentmindedly, turning the pages of the doujinshi slowly and carefully, inspecting each page with care.

"Well, you know, the boys did warn you." Krystal chimed cheerfully at the fuehrer.

* * *

"W-whuh was, what was that!?" Roy yelped looking up from the spot on the floor where he was staring, sporting a terrified, furious and disgusted look all at the same time. 

"Oh, this is a doujinshi. It's a yaoi fanfiction made by huge fans of yours." Sono replied casually.

"Why the hell do you HAVE that?" the bewildered military leader bleated through confused and angry tears. "And why with him? He was my closest friend and he's dead now! Have you people no respect!?"

"What about the super mini skirts you wish to make all your female officers wear? That isn't perverted?" Krystal teased back. Roy could only gawp at her trying to regain his composure after the mind blowing –eeeEEEwwwww- he just laid his eyes upon.

"How'd you know about…" He started, then changed the subject. "Not the point! I should burn that foul thing along with you two!"

The boys looked at each other. If they learned anything from the last several hours with the girls, this was a BAD idea.

"Ooo, fire. Can I help?" Sono asked, looking up instantaneously from the doujinshi in her hands to stare expectantly at Roy, "As long as you leave the doujin alone you're fine. Hell, I'll help you burn th' entire complex down if you want."

"…excuse me-WHAT?" Roy gawked, unable to believe the lunacy this girl had just spouted.

"Now, now…if we burn this place down we hafta move again." Krystal chided.

"So? The apartment managers an ass." Sono snorted, folding her arms over her chest, "I don't care."

"Well I do! I don't wanna move again." Krystal moaned whinily, stamping her feet.

"KEEP IT DOWN YA IDJITS!" the apartment manager yelled through the wall, startling Roy half to death as he was standing right next to it.

"WHY SHOULD WE? ALL YOUR DOING IS WATCHING PORN!" Sono shouted back, giving the offending wall a kick.

"WELL YOU'RE HARSHIN' MY BONER! PUT A LID ON IT!" The manager screamed back.

"HOWABOUT NO ULTRAPERV?" Sono bellowed, punching the wall this time.

Roy's head was whirling, he had only arrived in their world moments ago and he was already sick of them. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" demanded the uber annoyed Mustang. "And someone, PLEASE tell me what in the hell is going on NOW!" His patience had become paper thin, and at any moment could completely tear through it.

"Chill man, sheesh." Krystal stated pulling Sono away from the wall to prevent any further annoyance of their manager. "We'll explain if you calm the heck down!"

"Yeah the boys are getting used to us, and like we told them, we have no idea how long you'll be here, so, r-e-l-a-x." Sono stated slumping down on the couch between the boys.

"Fine." Roy finally stated, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "But let the Elric brothers explain it please." He finished looking at Ed, who had been amazingly quiet the last couple minutes.

* * *

(A/N: Don't know when we'll update this again, but we'll try people. We'll try. R&R!) 


End file.
